...

times at night when i can't sleep and everyone else in the house is passed out and i know my body should really have it's rest; the thoughts in my mind go in every direction. meditation is something i should practice. it's starting to worry me that i might end up in my 40's and 50's still living from check to check. i don't want that. why didn't i strive for more? where's my focus? been working since i was 16 and where's my safety nest of money? right, it doesn't exist. working more than one job has a positive and a not so positive. it's sad to hear people say "i have to do what i have to do" just to pay bills, just to feed their children, just to make it through... i don't ever stress out too much; bills will never go away, and i wont ever let my children go hungry or be without good clothes and shoes. because yes, they are more important than me. but i want to do something greater. always.

the actual feeling of long weeks without my lover. knowing he's out there. the absence of his smell on me. his stubble against my cheek. and who would think this would happen. those eyes so big and wonderous looking back at me. what perfect script this is. which gods are responsible for this growing love...desire...anticipation...flowing slowly with the river enjoying the views knowing someday the ocean we'll reach.